MarySue Hunting
by Hannah-Kiwii
Summary: There are some fishy looking characters invading Ouran High School Host Club, but they’re not fooling Haruhi. Pure and unrestrained crack.


**Authors Notes:** After spending yet another hour trawling through the piles of rubbish on this site in search for a halfway decent Ouran fanfic I had an inspiration: if you can't beat 'em, you might as well join them.

This is dedicated to Rachel, my wonderful little sister, and Robyn (Popotan), my dearest friend.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Ouran. End of. And my Mary-Sues are MINE!

**Mary-Sue Hunting**

Kyoya cleared his throat, and instantly the chaos halted. The Hitachiin twins halted in the middle of their assault upon Tamaki; Tamaki stopped mid sniffle. Haruhi ceased in her tidying and even Hunny paused, a forkful of cake halfway to his greedy little mouth. Everyone waited with baited breath for the Shadow King to speak.

"It has come to my attention," he said clearly, his glasses glinting as he scanned the Host Club, "that there is a dangerous group infiltrating our school."

"A dangerous group?" Hunny asked curiously, tilting his head to the side cutely.

"Indeed. This particular group could have a detrimental effect on the Host Club's profits. We must avoid them at all costs. They will be refused entry to the club. I do not think there is any need to be concerned just yet, but we must be prepared nonetheless."

"Ano, Kyoya-senpai…who are the group?" Haruhi asked.

"Yeah; and how will we recognise them?" Hikaru butted in.

"Well." Kyoya turned his laptop around to face them. "This website gives a basic definition of them. They are characters that are unjustifiably too good to be true. There are basic tests to find out if a seemingly innocent character is part of this dangerous group. They are affectionately called," he paused for dramatic effect, "Mary-Sues."

Kaoru and Hikaru gasped. "I've heard of them!" Kaoru whispered. "They are out to ambush and win the hearts of pretty boys such as ourselves."

"Indeed," Kyoya agreed. "And with the nature of our club, we must be extra cautious! I have issued each of you with a "Mary-Sue Litmus Test" so that you can test each of our customers. Don't tell them what you're doing though; let them think it's a game."

"Kyoya!" Tamaki burst out, perfecting a shocked expression. "How can you mislead the innocent young ladies who come to us for comfort? Father is ashamed of you, Mother!"

"Kyoya is right, Milord!" Hikaru insisted. "This group are dangerous. We need to take precautions!"

"Do you really think they'd come after us?" Haruhi asked worriedly.

"In a nut shell? Yes," Kyoya answered. "So quiz all your customers, and be sure to report any suspicious activity to me."

* * *

Haruhi and the twins made their way out of the club. Haruhi was studying the test Kyoya had given to her carefully.

"Stop being so paranoid, Haruhi. We have no reason to worry yet," Hikaru said, pulling the papers away from her.

"Give them back, Hikaru. You two were the ones encouraging Kyoya!"

"We were just having some fun," the two said in unison.

"We don't believe in Mary-Sues. They're fictional," Kaoru reassured.

"But-" Haruhi tried to protest.

"No," Hikaru interrupted her. "Stop panicking. Besides, we've got more important things to worry about." He grinned secretly and Kaoru, who returned an equally beaming smile.

"What's with you two?" Haruhi asked concernedly. "You've been acting really oddly lately."

"That," Hikaru said, draping an arm around Haruhi's shoulders, "is because love changes a man."

"Love?" she repeated confusedly.

"Aye, love," Kaoru responded, mirroring his twin and sandwiching Haruhi between them. "You see…"

"We've both got girlfriends," they announced cheerfully.

"Girlfriends?" Haruhi asked in shock. Well, of everything, she hadn't been expecting that. "Who? Since when?"

"You've met them," Kaoru explained. "The twins who recently moved back to Japan from America when their father's business focus shifted. Tanpopo and Yuki. They started coming to the club about three months ago."

Haruhi's eyes knitted together in concentration as she tried to recall the girls in question. "The ones who dress kind of funny?" she asked, her brow furrowed.

"Kind of funny!" Kaoru responded in shock. "They are geniuses! They redesigned our whole fashion range in just two days. Mum loves them," Kaoru's tone was awed.

"What's more, they understand our plight. Two totally identical twins! They're the only people who understand us. The only ones who can tell us apart!" Hikaru continued, equally worshipful.

"I can tell you apart," Haruhi reminded them.

"You don't count," the twins dismissed instantly. "Later, Haruhi. We've got to go and get ready for our dates!"

As the twins dashed off Haruhi was left to contemplate this latest development. She bent to pick up the test that Hikaru had dropped in his haste to leave. "I wonder," she muttered to herself, rereading the paper as she considered what the twins had just said.

* * *

Mori was acting oddly.

He was actually talking.

As in speaking.

As in holding a conversation.

Haruhi stared.

"Hunny," she whispered to the little senior, not taking her eyes of the stoic host as she lent across to speak to the lolita. "Is Mori-senpai tired?"

Hunny, who was entertaining customers by shovelling cake into his mouth, shot a swift glance at his cousin before returning to his usual task: eating.

"Nope. Don't worry, Haru-chan; he's always like that with Caramisa."

Haruhi dragged her eyes from Takashi's unusually expressive face to observe the girl to whom he was talking. Her jaw fell in shock.

That was her American cousin, Caramisa.

"But that's my cousin! She should be in America!"

Hunny gazed at her sadly. "Caramisa's parents died last spring, Haru-chan," Hunny explained carefully to a clueless Haruhi. "She tried to contact you to ask for help, but Takashi answered your phone instead since you were at club at the time. They became very good friends right away. When she came to Japan Takashi decided to take her in. She didn't want to worry you and your father. They've been living together since."

"L-l-living together," she repeated, astonished. "Why didn't she ever come to say hello to me?"

"Caramisa's a very quiet person, Haru-chan," Hunny explained simply, before returning his full concentration to his cake. Haruhi was left alone with our thoughts again as she continued to watch the two supposedly quiet people talk on and on.

This was not right. Things like that did not just happen.

There was something up with that cousin of Haruhi's.

* * *

It was after club hours. For some reason, Haruhi seemed to be the only one who found it odd that Hunny was still entertaining a customer.

"Would you like some more tea, Mitsukuni?" piped the little girl sat opposite the senior.

"Yes please, Rachel-chan," he replied in an equally sweet voice. "I like your monkey, Rachel-chan! Does he have a name?"

"Yes, he's called Rufus."

"That's a nice name! He can be friends with Usa-chan!"

The two placed their stuffed animals in seats between them so that the animals were facing one another.

The little girl, who had long caramel coloured hair reaching to the base of her back and deep brown eyes, reached into the box of cakes. "Oh," she exclaimed, disappointed. "There's only one cake left."

"You can have it, Rachel-chan," Hunny told her, smiling sweetly.

Haruhi blinked. Had she just heard correctly? Her eyes confirmed what her ears had heard when the little girl devoured the cake at a speed that could match Mitsukuni. Hunny did not bat an eyelid.

Haruhi grabbed Kyoya's arm as he walked past. "Who's that?" she asked, indicating the girl sat with the smallest member of the Host Club.

"Rachel Smith-Andrews is an exchange student from Britain. She's ten years old, but due to an accelerated education program she is actually working at a high school level. Her and Hunny met at a karate tournament last month and have been meeting regularly since. She managed to defeat him in the competition, something that had never happened before. The undefeated champion was taken down by a ten year old." Kyoya made a note on his clipboard. "I'm planning to invite her to Host Club next week; I think that there will be a definite increase in Hunny's designations if the two of them are seen together."

As Kyoya wandered away Haruhi pondered the small girl now happily chatting to Mitsukuni Haninozuka.

Something was very fishy.

* * *

Nekozawa slipped into the room and sidled up to Kyoya as he sat typing at his laptop.

"Congratulations Mr Ootori," cackled the creepy teen. "You have chosen well."

All eyes followed the unusual exchange between the two.

"Thank you, Umehito. I look forward to meeting your sister in person. When is Hanna's flight getting in?"

"This afternoon. May I offer you this love potion, Mr Ootori?"

"No thank you," replied Kyoya, chuckling lightly. "I don't think I need a potion."

"The best of luck to you then."

"Thank you. My regards to your father."

As the rest of the room returned to its normal levels of activity and volume Haruhi sidled over to Kyoya's corner of the room, where he continued to do whatever he does on his laptop. "Kyoya-senpai, what was all that about?" she asked him curiously.

"All what?" he responded irritably.

"With Nekozawa: what was he talking about, and who's Hanna?"

Kyoya pushed his glasses up his nose, as was his habit when he was about to make a speech. "Hanna is Nekozawa's half sister. She's Icelandic, and is returning to Japan this month. Hanna and I knew each other during childhood, and have kept up a regular correspondence, and the friendship had benefited our two families. However recently I've grown quite _attached_ to Hanna. I plan to meet her from her plane this afternoon."

"So you're just good friends?" Haruhi pressed.

Kyoya smirked. "Maybe more; or at least we will be soon. She's very intelligent. She beat me at chess only last week. She is very pretty too. Now, if you will excuse me, Haruhi." He closed his laptop and slipped it into its case. "I have a girl to meet." He slipped from the room, leaving the music room before club was over.

'_Kyoya's acting oddly too'_ Haruhi mused. '_It's not like him to leave the club early, nor is it like him to show an interest in people. There really is something going on here.'_

* * *

Tamaki didn't seem to be affected by whatever it was that was going on in the Ouran High School Host Club. Haruhi watched him valiantly proclaim his love for a first year girl who had designated him today. The girl blushed and thanked him, very nearly blown off her feet by the wonder of it all. Not two minutes later he was repeating the procedure, with slightly altered romantic lines, to another girl, this time a third year and regular customer.

At least Haruhi wasn't the only Host Club member who was still sane. Although with Tamaki the word "sane" was used lightly.

He was flirting with the twelfth girl of the afternoon when the doors flew open and hit the wall with a resounding crash.

"Tamaki Suoh!" shrieked the girl stood in the doorway. "What are you doing? You promised that you wouldn't touch any woman but me!"

Tamaki, who had been using his extreme close up technique on one of his designators, stuttered useless denials. He had been about an inch from the customer before him when the shouting girl had burst in.

"Tohru, princess, it's not what it looks like!" Tamaki insisted, opening his arms in welcome to the new comer.

"It is exactly how it looks, Tohru-chan," Hikaru piped up.

"Yes," Kaoru added gleefully. "He was hosting again."

The woman stalked forwards and grabbed the Host Club King by the ear, dragging him across the room. She paused briefly before Kyoya.

"I'm sorry to steal your chief source of profit, Kyo-chan, but I just can't trust Tamaki here." She gave Tamaki's ear a particularly forceful tug and he yelped in pain. "I'll see you this weekend, little cousin. Thank Uncle Yoshio for sorting out the transfer from France for me."

"I will, Tohru. Thank you for visiting. It's been a pleasure. I hope to see some of your famed artwork soon enough."

"You're too kind, Kyo-chan! Bye twins!"

"Bye Tohru!" chorused the Hitachiins.

The door slammed ominously behind the girl, though Tamaki's squawks of protest could still be heard fading into the distance.

Haruhi, almost frozen with shock, turned to the Hitachiins for answers. "And that was?"

"Tohru Ootori. She's Kyoya's second cousin. She's part Russian, lived in France for years. She's been transferred to Japan to study art. She's sort of threatened Milord into dating her, it's great! She's got him wrapped around her little finger, he obeys her every command."

"Let me guess," Haruhi said, referring to a piece of paper she clutched. "Amazing grades, beautiful figure, funny, imaginative, everybody loves her. Am I thinking along the right lines?"

"Yes, that sounds like Tohru. Why, Haruhi? You're not jealous are you?" the twins leered at her.

"No," said Haruhi, casually folding her paper in half and slipping it into her pocket. "Though I would like to call an emergency meeting straight after club. It'll only take a few minutes. Can you gather everyone together for me? I'm going to go rescue Tamaki."

* * *

"Tell me again, Tamaki. Tell me you love me more than anything. More than life. More than Haruhi."

"I love you Tohru," Tamaki implored, tears shining in his eyes. "I love you more than anything. More than all the girls I've ever entertained in the Host Club. Please let go of my ear now."

"Of course, of course, my darling Tamaki," she said, taking his face in her hands. "I love you too, Tamaki."

The door to the classroom was flung open. Tohru turned to face the intruder.

"Sorry, Haruhi-kun, but this classroom is occupied. Tamaki and I are busy. So go away and play somewhere else like a good little cannon character."

"I've come for Tamaki," Haruhi stated boldly.

"You're too late. Tamaki's mine now. He loves me, don't you Tama?"

"Yes," Tamaki repeated duly. "Tohru is my whole world. She's much better than Haruhi."

"See? Now run along." Tohru turned back to Tamaki.

"Not so fast. You can't lay any claims to Tamaki. You are not even a creative new character. You, dear friend, are a Mary-Sue!"

"I am not!" shrieked the Tohru indignantly. "An-an-and so what if I am! What can you do about it?"

Haruhi held up a printed piece of paper. "I can't do anything. I'm just a little old cannon character who's getting bullied by overly obsessed fangirls. However, I do have this."

"Oh yeah! How can a piece of paper hurt me? I'm so scared!"

"These are reviews that I've printed off. Helpful reviews. Constructive criticism from writers who have advised character deletion and/or revision. So I'd start getting scared if I were you, Tohru, because these could spell the end for you."

Tohru didn't turn to run. She didn't even flinch. She stood her ground and laughed at Haruhi. "You can't scare me! I have much greater weapons. I can shoot laser beams from my eyes!"

Haruhi threw the reviews at Tohru who vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Come on, Tamaki," Haruhi said, helping him to his feet. "You're safe from the evil Mary-Sue now. Let's go and sort this mess out."

* * *

"So, basically, all your respective girlfriends and companions are Mary-Sues. Sorry to break it to you guys."

Tamaki stared at her in awe. "How did you know, precious daughter? How could you tell?" he exclaimed.

"I just followed the guidelines Kyoya gave to us all. I've dispatched the most effective weapon against them to each of their addresses, so don't worry, things should be back to normal by tomorrow."

Kyoya nodded in agreement to her explanation. "I shall reduce your debt, Haruhi. You've saved this club from a lot of trouble."

Haruhi smiled. "It was nothing much. I just followed the instructions. Be more creative when you pick your partner next time, okay?" she said, addressing the Host Club as a whole. "No one wants to put up with someone who's too perfect, it spoils the mood."

Once the meeting ended Hunny gobbled the last cake in the box at top speed, Mori sitting beside him, silent once more. Kyoya typed at his laptop, no doubt controlling finances and hatching creative money making schemes. Tamaki pranced around demonstrating the next cosplay costume and getting much less attention than he wanted. The twins slipped their arms around Haruhi's waist and whispered in her ear, provoking Tamaki into a rage about his "unruly children".

Haruhi smiled softly. It was good to have them all to herself for just a little longer.

**Author's Notes:** And I was sooooooooo not writing this because I wanted to join the Mary-Sues…and Hanna is defiantly not an Icelandic corruption of my name (It's not even palindromic!).

xD Sorry, this is just pointless crack, I was bored.

It has a serious message though…or does it? Anyways, Mary-Sues are bad (although I've got nothing against OCs in general…)

However they're very easily missed, so watch out for all the signs! Go read the wikipedia article on them if you're not sure what one is, and if you're concerned about your character I would recommend the Writer's Mary-Sue Litmus Test, the link for which is (just remove the spaces):  
http : / / www . katfeete . net / writing / marysue . html

Reviews are loved, cherished and replied to (if signed)!


End file.
